I TOTALLY FORGOT that I wrote an article for a now-defunct online magazine 10 years ago (2002!). My assignment was to go underground anonymously and research online dating sites - this was around the dot com boom of the early 2000s when these sites first started popping up all over the place.
I was going through my back-up files and came across this. Holy mother of god.
Anyway I think it's funny.
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Welcome to my world. Or rather, welcome to
the premier issue of Whet.
You are most likely an amazingly cool and
fabulous chick. You probably have a job
that’s not the greatest in the world but it pays the bills and lets you buy
bling-bling stuff. You have friends you
love, people you hate, family members who drive you nuts, etc. etc. But… most importantly… you are also funny as
hell and everybody everywhere wants to hang out with you.
How do I know all this? I’m no Dionne Warwick or Miss Cleo or anything,
if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m just
stating the facts, yo! You are ALL
THAT. Simply because you are, after all,
in possession of the coolest thing to hit the magazine stands since Maxim. Am I right or am I right? Testify!
Here’s the deal… my dear friend the editor thought that it
would be appropriate for me to write the Dating and Relationships section of
this ‘zine. I, of course, agreed with
her. Who better to write this column
than moi? There’s just one tiny problem
though: at the time during which this
agreement was settled I was neither dating, nor was I involved in any romantic
relationship whatsoever.
Hey, no sweat. Fortunately I belong to the
glass-is-half-full-type of people. I
firmly believe that every problem has a solution. That somewhere over the rainbow blue birds
fly! Every dark cloud has a silver
lining and all that shit.
In today’s world everything is accessible
and available on the web. I mean,
anything that anyone can possibly think of.
Anything. This even includes
relationships.
Ah ha!
Are you cluing in yet? Are you
ready? I bet you already know where I’m
going with this, huh? Online
dating! Cyber dating! That’s right.
Oh come on… don’t tell me you’ve NEVER visited those online dating
sites. Don’t even front. I am even willing to go out on a limb here
and assume that you have at least browsed for the potential
Knight-in-Shining-Armor type on kiss.com, match.com, or even on my sites of
choice – lavalife.com. and personals.salon.com
No need to be ashamed. It’s not like it’s an uncommon thing. It’s not like you’re surfing for porn or
anything like that (you’re NOT surfing for porn, are you?) After all, most will agree that we are just
too busy with everything else… with our jobs and friends and families and all
our extracurricular shit. Some of us
(like me for instance) have neglected that part of our lives. Well chickies, it’s time to step up to the
plate! It’s time to be assertive and be
year-two-thousand-like. It’s time to
shop for a good man!
Before I begin telling you about my online
dating escapades I feel it is important that you know a little bit about
me. Actually by the time you finish
reading this article you’ll probably know a little bit more than a little bit
about me, but whatever… I can deal. Let
me begin by telling you the single, most important word that best describes me:
Jaded.
That’s right. I am a jaded, somewhat bitter (but still
cool) twenty seven year old. When it
comes to relationships with men, that is.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not one of those
feminist butch types who go around trashing men or anything like that. In fact, I adore men. Absolutely love ‘em. Two of my closest friends are of the male
species. Both of them are generally fun,
sweet, cool, and all that. All I’m
saying is that when it comes to me and any romantic-type relationships with
men, there are usually just two basic outcomes:
break and up.
I am a serial monogamist. Unfortunately our generation seems to think
that monogamy is some sort of disease or something. Which really is too fucking bad. Anyway, my track record consists of four
long-term relationships and one short-term spring-to-fall fling. One is the father of my daughter (5 years),
the other one should be in the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest
rebound in the world (1.5 years), the third one was the love of my life, or so
I thought of at that time (2 years), and the last one, the spring-to-fall
fling, was with this tree-hugging, angry, and pretentious nature lover (6 months). Considering that I am only 27 years old, the
total years I’ve spent being in relationships that never amounted to anything
permanent is a scary 9.1 years. Or,
since I was 17.
Pretty ghastly, huh?
By now you’ve probably stopped wondering
why I’ve described myself using one of Aerosmith’s songs. But then again, you’re probably thinking,
“hey… she’s still young… she’s got lots of time… she’s learned her lessons,
experienced what she needed to experience” blah, blah, blah. Am I right?
Well, actually, you are indeed correct.
I like to think (for my ego’s and sanity’s sake) that the experiences
that I’ve gone through are a part of, what I like to call as “living.” I’ve certainly learned a lot about me, who I
am, what I want, what I don’t what, what I’m willing to put up with, what I
won’t tolerate, and all that.
So there you have it – me in a
nutshell. Actually I’ve just barely
scratched the surface but eventually you will figure me out. Sort of.
Anyway, my current status is single and
fabulous!
I don’t date much, being a busy single
parent and a career woman and all. I am
also now a big snob and picky as hell.
PLUS, a big plus, mind you… is that it is really hard to find a good man
that has ALL the qualities that every woman looks for. You know… the extremely hot, career and
family-oriented, sensitive, affectionate, caring type who will treat you like a
queen, please you, and never break your heart?
I hate to be the one to break this to you… but he doesn’t exist.
Okay, okay… maybe I’m exaggerating a bit
here. Maybe there is a possibility that
“he” does exist. But where in the hell
does one particularly picky woman go to meet such a man? Bars?
Forget it. Clubs? They’re either annoying, alcoholics,
homosexual, or prettier than me. Maybe
while you’re shopping or exploring the city?
Puh-leaze. I need proof that not
ALL good men are taken. Or gay (not that
there’s anything wrong with that).
So, I figured that if I’m going to be in
writing for this particular section, then I should be either dating or having a
romantic relationship, wouldn’t you say?
I’ve been single since October 2001. I have been out on a few dates but obviously
nobody has caught my fancy yet. The last
guy I actually dated was this nice, court officer guy who I thought had
potential. Oh, he had potential alright…
a potential to be the most boring person in the world ever. Plus he had bad taste in shoes. And he wore this bomber jacket that was like,
really cool in 1983 or something. No,
no… I’m not a superficial whore. Those
things wouldn’t actually have mattered if I liked him even the tiniest
bit. I tried, I tell you… I really
did. But there was just nothing there,
nada. He just didn’t pass the tingle
test.
Anyway, I digress…
So in comes Lavalife.com and Salon.com
personals. I posted two very different
ads on each site. Lavalife is trying to
be one of those hip, really successful online dating sites where your chances
of meeting a single, eligible partner is something like 85% or higher, while
Salon just wants to make money out of uber cool, maybe somewhat pretentious,
urban warriors. Lavalife has this
24-hour screening process where someone approves the ad and the pictures you
post before it goes live. Salon lets you
post anything instantaneously.
My
Lavalife ad sounds something like this:
“Running, sports nutrition, eco-adventure
travel, long drives, sunshine, movies, swing, brazilian & afro-cuban jazz,
classical music, Esthero, laughing til my stomach hurts, Lonely Planet, Michael
Crichton & JRR Tolkien. These are just some of the things that I am
passionate about.”
My Salon ad, on the other hand, goes
something like this:
“Why
you should get to know me:
I give good massages even though I don't have
man-hands, I'll make you laugh (not AT me, you jerk!), I'm even funnier after
downing a shot of Sambuca, my outer demeanor may be quite tough and
impenetrable while my insides are soft and vulnerable, I am capable of
considering many thoughts simultaneously (really!!), my reactions are dictated
by my mood of the moment (which means I won't always be a bitch), I have an
insatiable curiosity about life and I want to experience everything.”
I have to be honest, I’m pretty leery of
looking for love online. It seems very
creepy. But, at the same time, I felt
like a kid in a candy store during my first few days of browsing. It appeared like there were sooooo many men
to choose from. And they all look good
and seem nice and had somewhat similar interests that appeal to me and all that
shit. I chose to hide my profile and be
the one to do the lurking. Both sites
allow you to post your ad for free, send smiles or collect calls to those you
are interested in. But, in order to
actually send or receive any email messages you have to purchase credits. I think Lavalife’s was $35 CAD for 90 credits
or something like that. I’m not sure
about Salon as I haven’t purchased any from that site. In Salon, I prefer to send collect calls and
wait to see whether my object of desire will respond. If they don’t, they either had no credits and
weren’t willing to purchase any (cheap bastards) or they do have credits but
just didn’t like my profile (sigh). For
both sites, each initial contact with a new prospect will cost you five
credits, but it’s free from then on. You
can choose to remain anonymous and keep corresponding within the sites or you
can choose to take it off-site, meaning actually exchange email addresses or
phone numbers, and alas… eventually meet in person.
This column will chronicle my adventures in
cyber dating. Do you think it is
actually possible for someone like me to meet the man of my dreams online? Will this end in happily ever after, or will
I end up initiating a restraining order?
Is it possible that I may fall in love again, or will I end up being
more jaded, even angrier than ever?
There’s only one way to find out.
In the next issue, I will tell you what
happened with my initial online dating experience. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be angry,
you’ll wish you were me, you’ll be very glad you are not me. Ladies, please give a round of applause to
AWAY1, DOTDASHDOT, and VERYLITTLEBRAIN.
Smooches!
