Microsoft Word, Grammar and Apostrophe Abuse Rants

Nothing enrages me more than improper grammar use and apostrophe abuse, especially in the corporate world.

I mean.... seriously? You will be mocked and ridiculed and not respected if your written communication is anything like the examples below.

Here are the basic rules thanks to the Apostrophe Protection Society:


The rules concerning the use of apostrophes in written English are very simple.


They are used to denote a missing letter or letters, for example:

	I can't instead of I cannot
	I don't instead of I do not
	it's instead of it is

They are used to denote possession, for example:

	the dog's bone
	the company's logo
	Jones's bakery (but Joneses' bakery if owned by more than one Jones)

... but please note that its, which is usually used as a possessive adjective (like our, his etc), does not take an apostrophe:

the dog ate its bone and we ate our dinner ... however, if there are two or more dogs, companies or Joneses in our example, the apostrophe comes after the 's':

	the dogs' bones
	the companies' logos
	Joneses' bakeries

Apostrophes are NEVER ever used to denote plurals!  Common examples of such abuse (all seen in real life!) are:

	Banana's for sale which of course should read Bananas for sale
	Menu's printed to order which should read Menus printed to order
	MOT's at this garage which should read MOTs at this garage
	1000's of bargains here! which should read 1000s of bargains here!
	New CD's just in! which should read New CDs just in!
	Buy your Xmas tree's here! which should read Buy your Xmas trees here!

Note: Special care must be taken over the use of your and you're as they sound the same but are used quite differently:

your is possessive as in this is your pen
you're is short for you are as in you're coming over to my house


And now, for a hilarious rant regarding Microsoft Word, thanks to a post on Craigslist. I've edited to keep this blog PG-13:


Dear Microsoft Word,

Here are a few tips for you:

1) Don't ask me if I want help when I'm writing a letter TO YOU at 2:48 am.

2) Don't do that stupid auto-format sh*t you just did when I hit enter after I typed "IA-1a." That always messes up my outlines because apparently we don't have the same style. I go "I." then "A." then "1." then "a." OK? I don't want to print my f*****g outline at 5 am after I've worked on it all night and suddenly notice that my sh*t is all f****d up and you literally WON'T let me fix it. I have to have to wrestle you like a psycho b*tch to get you to let me type how I want to. I get As in school, ok? Teachers like my outlines the way I do them. I'm sorry.

3) My teachers want one inch margins. I know, it sucks, but they think I'm a slacker when you slyly auto-f**k with my margins. YOU'RE the slacker, a**hole!!!

4) If I'm writing a ten page paper about, oh, say rhetorical discourse, and I'm on page nine and we (you and I) have been working together for about five hours and I suddenly type "rheotoric," can't you REMEMBER that I have correctly typed "rhetoric" nine thousand times by this point and just f*****g fix it for me? I have a laptop. Right clicks on those are annoying as sh*t.

5) Your dictionary/thesaurus is missing SO MANY f*****g words! What's up with that?

6) When I hit "print preview" you really should let me actually EDIT there, too. Print preview means, ok, I'm gonna look it over one more time and see if it's all good. When I notice something's f****d up, I have to close print preview to go back and search for it to fix it? C'mon.

7) When you say something is spelled wrong but really it's just a word you haven't learned yet, (it's ok) and I fix it for you before I type anything else, you switch it back to being wrong! F**k you is that annoying!

8) Sometimes, I am just right with the grammar and you're not.

9) Is it going to hurt my eyes to see the whole damn menu if I click on File or Edit? What are you ashamed of?

10) I'm sorry I have been such a rude b*tch. We have had great times together, and overall your thesaurus has made me sound much smarter than I am in many, many papers. Also, I love it when you track my changes. That's so sexy. And who can forgot Courier New, to turn a seven page paper into ten! Thank you!